Let the world stop turning; Let the sun stop burning.
Let them tell me love's not worth going through.
06:08 pm April 6th, 2010
Apparently, I'm going to get a demit from the Organization. I'm doing it only to make dad happy, and I know that's totally the wrong reason, but it's just... easier. I'll be talking to my MA on Thursday about it. Which reminds me, that she has shown absolutely no interest in getting a hold of me to discuss what went on with my status message on fb, which is ridiculous to me. It was a big enough deal to her to call my dad and have him talk to me about it, but she can't work up the nerve to talk to me about it herself? Or, worse, she can't find the time to? Why is she MA if she can't find the time for such things?
I joined Organization when I was 14. I was a kid, a lonely kid, that had no courage and no idea how to stand up for myself. I had no where to go, and I didn't know that i could say that those rules put on me were unacceptable. I went to bed at night feeling ashamed of myself for following them, because I didn't want to. And I couldn't be one way with the Organization and another way outside of it, because I was so sure that I would slip up and I'd be kicked out and, well, I had no where else to go.
I'm just now able to come to terms with all of it. It hurt, and it was hard, and I hated it. But I went, and I did my best, because everyone always said it would be worth it. It wasn't. That's not to say I never enjoyed it, that I didn't make friends and that I didn't ever actually want to be there. I had fun, I made friends, and there was always stuff I wanted to go to.
It's just, the times I had fun? That was easy. The times where it hurt and I was ashamed of myself, and the times where I needed to talk and I couldn't, and the times where I was crying and no one noticed? That was hard. Those are the things that are going to take me a while to get over. I know I had fun. I know there are people that care about me. I also know that most of the people barely know anything important about me because I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I break the rules now. I have for the past year. But only to a point. I don't talk about my girlfriend like the other girls talk about their guys. I can't bring my girlfriend to anything, but they can have their boyfriends at stuff. People think I'm secretive and quiet by choice, but there's always so much that I've wanted to say that I can't say.
I won't be living here anymore. I'll be living with my fiance, in another state, two hours away. I'm excited and nervous and scared and so happy. I'm so looking forward to it, but I'm nervous about so many things. How Lexi will like it, if Lexi will be okay, how hard it's going to be for me (having never lived anywhere but here), getting a job and having money....
There's a lot to worry about, but I'm not freaking out or panicking like I would be if I was moving in with anyone other than Lacey, or if I was moving in by myself. But I have Lacey, and she talks to me and calms me down so much, that I don't freak out about it. Except for every now and then. But still. There'd be so much more freaking out if it wasn't for her. I don't know what I'd do without her, except be unhappy.
Mom moved back. I'm still not totally sure how I feel about this. It's great that she's back, but at the same time, did it have to be 28 days before I leave? I mean, I would have loved this months ago, or even a year ago. But now? I'm happy i get to spend the time with her, but...
Lexi has to see a skin doctor. Her mites won't go away, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have to bring her with me, because I can't not, but I don't know yet how that's all going to work and all. I'm worried, but I don't want to be, because I want to just believe that Lexi will be okay. I need her to be, so she will be. I don't really think that'll work, but I can hope.
I'm finally talking about how Organization has been for me, how hard it was and how much it had hurt me. Nobody really understands, but I'm trying to make them. I want them to, I want them to know how much it hurt me, because I don't want it happening to other people. I hate that it's taken me this long to get this far, and it seems like no one understands that. The people that should have been able to see right through my pretending to be fine never did. I couldn't talk to my friends about it. I couldn't do anything about it.
But, I'm working on that. And, 28 days and it will be easier. :)
And, in 28 days, I'll finally be with my fiance. Finally.
Yay for ignoring schoolwork to type about my life.
I have an Organization thing tonight; an initiation in which I get to do the part of Faith, one of the most important roles. Even though I was just at the station in my Assembly, we never did an initiation during that term, so I only vaguely know what I'm doing. And I just started re-learning the part again last night... Ugh. I still have to shower and pick a dress to wear. I'm leaving around 5:15, since the Assembly we're going to help out is over an hour away (an hour in a car with people I don't want to spend time with while I can only text my fiance... Fun. Only, you know, not.).
In other news, oh my god do I miss the fiance. I haven't seen her since the day after Christmas, and I know that wasn't all too long ago, but it feels like forever. Everything is just so right with her, and when she's not here, when I can't see her or know that I'll be able to come home to her, it feels like a part of me is missing. It's always felt like a part of me is missing, and until I met her I didn't know why. She is my soul mate, and without her part of me IS missing.
Mom went back to MI on Sunday. My brother leaves on Thursday. Soon, it will be back to just dad and I here. I'm kinda glad; going from being home alone all day to having someone around, almost all the time, is seriously annoying. At the same time, though, I dread getting used to be so alone again. I've always hated how I had little choice in this. Be alone all day, or go back to public school. Going back was never an option, unless I wanted to end up cutting myself more and various other things. And private school was never an option, thanks to my parents, despite how much I wanted to go. At least at private school I could get an education, whereas at public school the teachers spend more time yelling at the class than teaching-- even in the advanced classes.
I haven't gained back the weight that I need, yet. I'm almost afraid to weigh myself, because I almost feel like maybe I lost more instead of gaining. I hate this; I hate being so stressed that I can't gain weight, and while I love being able to talk to my fiance, I hate that she is, like, the only person I can talk to about WHY I'm stressed. I wish I could just move in with my fiance and not worry about all the stuff here. I wish I hadn't decided to run for Faith in my Assembly, because then I wouldn't be so tied here. I hate it, and a lot of times, I hate them for making it so hard on me. I hate them for not being accepting and for not letting me be open about who I am and who I'm dating, because that hurts.
In other news, I need to start getting snacks I can throw into my purse when I go out, because random drops of blood pressure are Not Fun, and eating can help. Also, falling down while in a formal? Not something I want to do.
Back at Christmas, it didn't feel like Christmas. And now it doesn't feel like a new year. I don't know if it's just that I'm so stressed out-- with The Organization, school, my family and their dislike of my fiance-- or if it's just that I'm getting older or something. My younger friends don't seem to think that it didn't feel like the holidays, so I don't know.
I've mentioned it before in other places, but I LOVE that my fiance and I both write. We went way too much of the day without talking, but we got off the phone for an hour so that we could both write. I missed her, yes, but still. It's nice to have someone that understands that part of me.
There's a board meeting for the Organization today. It vaguely worries me that no one has talked to me about whether or not I can move up in the line. It doesn't really matter. If something happens and they want me to be leaving this time next year, then that's their problem and it'll be their hole to fill.
My mom is coming home on Wednesday. My brother won't be gone like planned, it looks like, but mom and I still have plans. Shopping and an expensive lunch. And, you know, being criticized for pretty much anything I do that isn't how she wants it done, but oh well. Such is life. With any kind of luck at all, by this time next year the fiance and I will have been living together for a while.
So..... After a vague amount of years of having this, I'm finally using it for something other than another place to put my stories. So, in that case, I am, for all intents and purposes, Opal Rose. I'm a writer, a lesbian, a Rainbow girl (for now, anyway), and, most importantly, I am me. I write slash or femmslash, and I love it. Writing is a huge part of my life, as is my fiance. I have problems at home--I live with my parents, unfortunately-- and I have plenty of problems in Rainbow, for all the wonderfulness that the organization has. I have a feeling I shall update randomly with randomness. Feel free to stay updated. :)
"Mom!" I called out, knowing she would hear me in the kitchen. "Are you playing matchmaker again?" The question was pointless, as I already knew that she was, thanks to the photos and bios of a few (very nice looking) guys on the desk in her office-room.
"Rani, I thought I told you to stay out of my office!" my mom called back. I dropped my head into my hand and groaned.
"You just told me to come in and get your phone!" I could hear her pause and think about that for a second.
"Since you're in there, why don't you take a look through them?"
I rolled my eyes, grabbed her phone, and went back to the kitchen.
The house was just like I'd seen it in my dreams. Beautiful, old, well cared for, and filled with secrets, although that wasn't clearly visible from the outside. I knew, however, the place held more secrets than I could imagine. Why else would it have been uninhabited for so long? Why else would there be stories of ghosts, both peaceful and not?
And most important, why else would I have dreamed of this house, along with a girl whose name I do not know, for three years?
It didn't make sense, and no one ever believed me when I told them about the dreams, about the girl. Some--my friends--pretended to, but most just made fun of me. Then, when I told them I found the house and was going off to live in it, pretty much everyone, friends included, wrote me off as crazy.
The house was for sale when I found it, for an insanely cheap price. I'd managed to resist calling the seller for two whole days, when I finally caved in on the third morning. The dreams those two nights were more intense than ever. The seller--a Ms. Shield-- invited me down to stay at the house for a few days before I made up my mind. She said it was because when most people set foot inside the house for the first time, they changed their minds and never came back. I agreed to this, packed up my stuff, and traveled up to Northern Ohio where the house was.
For some reason, I was drawn to this house and that nameless girl in my dreams. I had no idea why, and I didn't like it. But I was here to figure it out, to stop the dreams, and maybe find a way to save that girl, because in my dreams, she died.
I used to wonder what things would be like if I didn't exist, or if things were different. If I wasn't trapped in this hell, wondering if there was anyway out.
I used to wonder if things weren't like this in other places, for other people.
I used to wonder if I would ever find a way out.
You see, I used to wonder a lot of things.
I don't, anymore. I'm fifteen years old now, today, and no one has ever even noticed how things are. I've given up wondering, I've given up hope, I've given up trying. I haven't, however, given up waiting. In the book, there's always a prince that comes and saves the princess, there's always a hero, there's always a happy ending. Maybe my story won't have one, but it doesn't hurt to wait, right?
Well, maybe it does. But what else is there to do when you're trapped? So I wait, uselessly, because no one even knows I exist.
Bet you didn't expect that one.
I suppose it's not totally true, though, since I do get food and water every day, or maybe every night because there's always that light on in here and I don't keep track of 'day' and 'night,' only time. I can't even remember what sunlight feels like, or what darkness is like.
I've been here for seven years. I was locked away by someone when I was eight, and I haven't seen anyone again since.
There are no doors, or windows here. I don't know how they get the food in, even, because I'm asleep when they do. Or maybe it's just one person. Or maybe it's no one at all and I just imagine the food. Is that even possible?
No doors, or windows. No cracks in the smooth surface of this place. I've been over every bit of it, and nothing.
There's a bed in one corner. A small toilet and a sink in another. There was this notebook on the floor when I woke up, along with the pen, and that's it.
What is this place? I don't think I ever knew. If I did, I can't remember now.
I used to have a sister. But she died, before I was locked away here. Can I be locked away if there are no doors to lock?
My sister. She was pretty, even though she was never older than four. Her eyes had three colors in them, and she was always smiling. Or maybe I'm remembering wrong. I haven't thought about her in a long while.
How did she die?
There was a crash. I wasn't in it too, was I?
No, I only saw it.
My sister and my mother both died.
I don't know any more than that.
I wonder what will happen to this notebook next time I sleep. Will it be replaced? Will it still be here? Will I still be here? Will anyone read it?
I want to get out. I hope someone saves me. I do so hate it here. I don't even know where here is, though, so how can I expect anyone else to know? Is there even anyone else? Anywhere?
'If Gondor, Boromir, has been a stalwart tower, we have played another part. Many evil things there are that your strong walls and bright swords do not stay. You know little of the lands beyond your bounds. Peace and freedom, do you say? The North would have known them little but for us. Fear would have destroyed them. But when dark things come from the houseless hills, or the sunless woods, they fly from us. What roads would any dare to tread, what saftey would there be in quiet lands, or in the homes of simple men at night, if the Dunedain were asleep, or all gone to the grave?
'And yet, we have less thanks than you. Travellers scowl at us, and countrymen give us scornful names. "Strider" I am to one fat man who lives within a days march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town to ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly. Yet we would not have it otherwise. If simple folk are free from care and fear, simple they will be, and we must be secret to keep them so. That has been the task of my kindred, while years have lengthed and grass has grown.
'But the world is changing once again. A new hour comes. Isildur's Bane is found. Battle is at hand. The sword shall be re-forged. I shall come to Minas Tirith. '